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Bitch, Please: Toddlers & Tiaras

Okay, so I watched Toddlers & Tiaras this week.  Had heard about it, heard in the past that it was a pedophile's dream show, how they exploited kids, blah, blah, blah.  I was channel surfing and there was nothing else on so I stopped.  And watched.  Stunned.

Do parents like these really exist?  WTF is wrong with them?  And how on earth does a 2 month old baby
win a pageant?  The least amount of drool?  Best pacifier?  Carried the best by parent?  I'm confused.  But I digress.

Apparently the format is that each episode follows several kids and their severely in need of therapy parental units as they prepare for and then compete in some type of child's beauty pageant, with the end of the show being the crowning of the winners.

This episode of T&T begins with the unforunately named Brystol of Lexington, South Carolina who is 18 months old and has supposedly won top prize in every pageant she has competed in.  Before you snort and wonder how many pageants she could possibly have competed in, Brystol has been in the pageant circuit since she was 2 months old.  Uh-huh.  Brystol's mom Brook informs us that Brystol "will win" the pageant this coming weekend which, reality ho addict that I am, makes me realize that we are in for a flaming burnout. I can't wait.

Brystol also has a pageant coach on staff full-time.  Her name is Miss Tara, she looks like Barbie with a 30-35 year old spread and sounds like she hits the helium tanks off camera.  Miss Tara quit her full-time job so that she could devote all of her time to Brystol's pageants. 

Brystol's beauty dress cost the family right at $4,000.  Yes, $4,000.  Brook works four days a week to support their "pageant habit" and says that if they needed to take a second mortgage out on the house to pay for Brystol's pageants, they would.  Yep, the crazy train definitely stops on a regular basis at Brook's station. 

Then we meet Chloe, from Humble, Texas.  Yes, the name is humorously ironic.  Chloe is 2 years old and has about as much personality as a grape.  She is also a serious daddy's girl; so much so that father Brandon is a self-confessed pageant dad.  She wants absolutely nothing to do with mother Sarah. Sarah can't practice the pageant walk with Chloe, can't get her dressed and can't put on her Lee nails.  Brandon even spray tans Chloe.  Yes, they definitely spray tan the little pageanters.

Next we go to Woodstock, Georgia (yay, Georgia!) and meet 3 year old Victoria who has a beautiful smile, at least according to her.  Victoria's mother Tammy informs us that Victoria will win the judges' hearts this weekend.  Tammy has a huge smile - - she really should be doing advertising for a dentist or a tooth whitening company.  She doesn't seem loco - - yet.  Victoria's older brother Matthew informs us that Victoria's personality is "spoiled".  Dad Nick slaves over the sewing machine to make Victoria's pageant outfits. 

I'm floored by how many dads apparently get into this pageant business.  Let's cut to the chase.  As expected, because every single parent here thinks their child will sweep the competition, they go down in flames. 

Brystol spends most of her stage time crying - - either because mom Brook banged her head on a door (and then worried more about makeup to cover up the bruise rather than comforting her child) or because there was someone dressed up as the Big Bad Wolf.  She does manage to come in fifth in her group but crazy pants Brook says anything that's not first place sucks ass and she wants nothing to do with that puny little trophy. 

Chloe is so tired she falls asleep while getting her hair and makeup done because she was up until 1 a.m.  Sarah and Brandon's solution?   Daddy's special super juice, which is Red Bull, cola and apple juice.  Really.  There are just so many things wrong here - - what is a 2 year old doing up until 1 a.m.?  Parents really fill their toddlers up with energy drinks and colas so they can perform at a pageant?  Isn'this some kind of child abuse or neglect?  Chloe ends up not placing at all because her beauty dress is too dark according to a judge and her personality sucks.  Ouch.

Victoria got fourth runner up and mom Tammy was actually happy with Victoria's place.  Wow, she doesn't fit in here at all. 

The big winner of the pageant overall is the stupidly named Paisley, who was dressed as Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman.  Yes, the prostitute.  And little Paisley wore the blonde bobbed wig, the white tanky top, the blue short skirt and the thigh high eff me boots. 

This show is crazy as all hell but I will probably watch again for the trainwreck factor alone.  Most of the parents appear to be complete whack jobs if they put so much money and hope into baby beauty pageants.  Ugh!


  1. Confession: This show is made up of crazy people but whenever I'm near a tv with cable I can't help but tune in for an episode or two. It's addictive like a train wreck.

  2. I personally know a family on this episode, and I assure you that producers and editing go to extremes to make them seem more psychotic than they are in reality.

  3. I couldn't believe it either when I first saw it. Just the money alone is crazy. What happened to the natural pageants? With fake hair, fake nails, fake teeth and everything else that they are forced to endure, it's a wonder you can see the child at all.

  4. Hi I'm looking for your contact info for a book review/post?
    Can you email me at EdenLiterary at gmail dot com


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