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The New York Ho(wive)s are Back!

No comments please about how I don't have a life because I love The Real Housewives franchise.  Miami was a bit of a disappointment - - Elsa, I loved although her face looked like a Jim Henson creation; Marysol was sweet; Alexia harmless; Adriana conceited and I don't think anyone needs to see her cooch more than her gyno; Lea the queen bee; and Cristy and Larsa are mean girls who both think they are much more attractive and sexy than they really are.  But my disappointment with the show is in the past because New York is back, baby!

If you don't recall, at the end of last season Kelly appeared headed into a Willy Wonka type land, complete with gummy bears, singing Oompa Loompas and a belief that everyone was out to get her.  Her appearance was mercifully kept to a minimum last week, although she did seem confused as to what "metal box" Jill was referred to being uncomfortable being stuck in for hours while traveling to Australia.  Yes, people.  Kelly has reproduced. 

Jill claims that she is going to be different this year, turn herself around and be nice.  Yes, that lasted for about 5 minutes.  She is still clearly out to get her digs in to Alex.  Which personally I have no problem with since Alex bugs the crap out of me.   Some chick named Jennifer was getting married in the Hamptons and for some reason Ramona thought it would be great fun for Jill to not know that Alex was also invited.  Seriously, ladies?  Are you still in elementary school or junior high?  So Jill is clearly shocked that twiggy Alex and a sweaty Simon show up at the wedding with Ramona and Mario.  Because I guess all social invites should be run by Jill.  She makes a snarky comment to a few other ladies that she can't believe that fucking bitch Alex McCord is there.  Hee!  She also deems it terribly tacky that the fucking bitch and Ramona are both wearing white to the wedding.  Call me old fashioned but I do agree with her there.  Kinda tacky move, ladies.  Worse, as they all gather around the wedding cake to note that the heat is causing the cake to get a little melty, Ramona sticks her finger in the cake.  Where is Luann with her book on manners when you need her? 

Speaking of Luann, she appears to be very happy with her French boyfriend Jacques.  They share a doubledate with Sonja and her boy toy and . . . yawn.  Next. 

Ramona is supposedly hiring a new assistant because she's just so busy.  Funny, her current assistant seems to be sitting around, listening to Ramona bitch about how busy she is.  So these poor unfortunate souls show up for an interview.  I swear, if I had gone through a Ramona-style interview when I was starting out I would have run screaming and headed back to school.  Ramona does everything from telling the interviewee that she's a big "b" to stating that the poor girl doesn't have to be attractive necessarily so long as she's put together well.  Sheesh, Ramona.  She then really puts her foot in it by telling the girl that she could use her face cream.  Yikes. 

Meanwhile, Alex and Simon are "working" in their dungeon, I mean basement, offices, complete with inexplicable black material draped around.  Is that stylish?  Because, you know, Alex knows people.  So we're informed that Simon has left his job at the hotel (more like fired) and is starting a social media company and so they both work at home.  In other words, they are both on the Bravo payroll.  Alex informs us that she is now modeling. Um, okay.  She then states that she is very happy with her looks and she has great genes, thanks to her parents.   So glad you found your voice this season, Alex.  So now STFU. 

Insert Kelly with a talking head, who in response to Alex's statement that she's modeling very astutely says that models don't have to be pretty necessarily . . . but they do have to be photogenic.  Zing!  See?  Kelly in limited doses with a few clever comments works.  Of course Kelly also proves that models don't have to possess a whole lotta smarts either.  Thanks, Kelly.

New chick.  Her name is Cindy.  She seems pretty assertive.  She's made all her money by removing body hair.  She owns a salon that has its own product line. She appears successful.  At least she's not a poseur.  She appears to be late forties and she has twins that are around a year old. They are cute.  There is no baby daddy; these young 'uns came into the world via IVF.  We know this in part because Jill gave her the third degree two seconds after saying "Nice to meet you".  Cindy works with her brother who apparently has some type of history with a friend of Ramona's.  I really didn't understand or get that.  I'm sure we'll get more later.

All in all, this season looks very promising.  Bethenny's absence barely registered a bleep on my radar. 

The Real Housewives of New York airs on the Bravo channel on Thursday nights. 

Are you a glutton for punishment?  Alex will be happy to show you how to make easy wok chicken.


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