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Tom Continues His Quest . . .

to be taken as a seriously raging heterosexual actor.  In case you hadn't heard, and I'm sorry to ruin the happy-go-lucky place you were in if you hadn't, Tom has been cast as aging 1980s rocker Stacee Jaxx in the film version of Rock of Ages.  For reals.  When I first heard this I thought it was a joke.  Tom Cruise as a rocker, aging or otherwise?  Tom Cruise singing?  Like not lip synching to Bob Seger while wearing Ray Bans, an oxford shirt and tidy whities?  And then I thought maybe this was the perfect role for him because Stacee Jaxx sounds like a gay porn star.  I know, I know.  They are totally ripping off Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue.  Maybe a real life rocker could successfully pull off a character named Stacee Jaxx but Tom Cruise? 

So because Tom cannot stand it if "leaks" from the set aren't telegraphed immediately to the media, we hear that he's been working with Axl Rose's vocal coach.  So much confusion here.  Does Axl Rose need a vocal coach to sound like that?  I could sound like that if I screamed for hours on end after a three day bender.  And I say that with all love and niceness because I like Axl Rose.  "November Rain" is one of the best songs ever.  But I digress. 

So Tom is allegedly working with a vocal coach so he can sound authentic, I guess, when he pulls on some leather pants and teases his hair and assumes the position (of Stacee Jaxx).  The flopfilm's director Adam Shankman says that Tom's been playacting studying something like five hours a day and "the prognosis is more than excellent".  Are we talking tumor removal or a film? 

Shankman does further ass kissing duty by claiming that he was present at Tom's first cat-in-heat-screeching practice session and was so nauseated wowed by what he heard, he gouged out his ear drums high-fived Tom.  Seriously?  Is high-fiving now the essence of cool? 

If you're still interested, this is the basic drivel plot of Rock of Ages:  Small-town girl Sherrie (Julianne Hough) moves to Hollywood to be an actress. She takes a job at the Bourbon Room, owned by Dennis Dupree (Alec Baldwin), and catches the eye of Drew (Diego Gonzalez Boneta).  Drew gets Sherrie fired after she has an affair with Stacee Jaxx (Cruise), and she takes a job as a stripper at a gentleman's club owned by Justice (Mary J. Blige). Sherrie eventually gives up exotic dancing to find true love.

Ho hum.  Been there, done that a million times before. Cinematically, that is.  I predict a huge bomb.


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