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90210: Dropping the F Bomb

So this episode is called "The Bachelors" and the burning question in my mind is . . . since when did high schools host charity events that involved auctioning off male students for dates?  Such things never happened when I was in high school but it seems to be the norm around Beverly Hills.

Anyhow . . .I need TPTB to explain to me why they hate Adrianna so much and what her purpose on the show is.  She was so much more exciting and interesting back in the first season when she was a doped up former child actress who gets knocked up in rehab.  Her storyline is so boring now that I find myself more interested in checking my hair for split ends when she's on screen. 

Soooooo . . . . Javier's sleazy uncle is now blackmailing Adrianna into being her manager since he knows she stole Javier's songs and all after he became a human panini.  Adrianna, instead of maybe telling Laurel about the whole stupid mess simpers and whimpers and lets Sleazy Uncle take 80%.  She's smart, our girl Adrianna.  Sleazy Uncle wants Adrianna to sing a gig for ten Gs, making sure to rub up against the birthday boy.   This doesn't sit well with Navid, who doesn't want his girlfriend making nice with strange men or with Silver, who is miffed that Adrianna has backed out of her promise to perform at the charity auction in favor of making $10,000.

Naomi has survived her accidental overdose, no surprise there.  What is surprising is that the doctors at the hospital are releasing Naomi into Silver's care.  Say what?  Naomi makes Silver promise not to tell anyone about Cannon raping her.  A promise she keeps for about a day.  Or until Adrianna and Annie don't understand why Silver is giving Naomi the time of day after Naomi was so very rude to all of them at Naomi's birthday party.  Annie even indignantly says "She called me a murderer!"  Um, Annie?  Sweetheart?  Last time I checked, rolling over a man with your car, while intoxicated and ugly crying. resulting in said man's death, does indeed make you a murderer.  But oh wait, I totally forgot that Annie paid her debt to society (if not the man she killed) by suffering under house arrest all summer.  So once the rapist cat is out of the bag, Silver, Adrianna and Annie decide to go all Dirty Harry times three and plot the utter destruction of Mr. Cannon.  This coming from girls who are being blackmailed, committed vehicular homicide and/or have a boyfriend who isn't sure if he wants the weiner or the taco.   I'm not holding out a lot of hope that Mr. Cannon is going to be brought down by this inept trio. 

Silver is playing the hostess of the charity auction and decides that having all the guys (i.e., the male cast of the show) being auctioned off for dates need to have a group dance and the perfect instructor is the Dancing Queen (otherwise known as Teddy's gay, drunken one night stand).  What a coinkydink.  It goes about as well as can be expected, given that Teddy not only has to pretend that he hasn't seen Dancing Queen's bits and pieces but he's also a teenager.  Look, I like the actor and all but let's be real.  17 or 18?  Bitches, please.  But I digress.  Teddy doesn't want to take direction from Dancing Queen and is really being a little bitch about it and ends up dropping the F bomb.  No, not that F word but the slur meaning a homosexual man.  Yes, that one.  Everyone is shocked.  Well, except for us viewers.  Dancing Queen gets on his Huffy bike and pedals the hell outta there.  Liam, Dixon and Navid look at each other uncomfortably.  Even Oscar looks a bit mortified - - yes, he can plot the utter destruction of Laurel, including sleeping with her while trying to nail her teenage daughter, but the other F word?  No way!  Silver is peeved and tells Teddy they're through.  How many times is that this season?  I lose count.  Teddy runs out in the hallway to beat the crap out of Dancing Queen because nothing will demonstrate his blazing full on heterosexuality like being up on a defenseless nerd.  Note to Teddy -- you are now bordering dangerously on "redneck" in addition to "bi-curious".  Cue Mr. Matthews, apparently the only teacher remaining at West Beverly other than Cannon the Rapist.  Mr. Matthews breaks up the wanna-be fight and promptly hands out detention to both, ahem, seniors.  Senior citizen, maybe.  I know exactly where this is going to go.  Teddy and Dancing Queen will be forced together and detention and we know where that will lead . . . actually where I thought this fight would go.  Straight into a kiss.

Liam, having his boat torched, being kicked out of his home and caught squatting on someone else's boat, doesn't want to live in the GTO and as Casa Wilson is the heir apparent to Casa Walsh (from the Original Recipe), comes to stay with Dixon, Annie and Debbie (at least temporarily).  It makes for an uncomfortable living situation for Annie, who is now busy dating Charlie, and Dixon, who can get no sleep with Liam's inexplicable rhapsodizing over Annie and her amazingness.  WHATEVER, show.  Liam struts around Casa Wilson shirtless which would probably work for me but not so discriminatory Annie who seems to prefer effeminate speaking men who quote Shakespeare and have both ears pierced.  Liam, not knowing that Annie is touching tongues with his half-brother, is convinced that Annie only needs to see how "not dangerous" he is to throw caution to the wind and climb into the passenger seat of his GTO.  His master plan?  To cook Annie's favorite dish for her - - mushroom risotto.  Totally unbelievable.  One look at Annie's razor sharp collarbone and we all know that eating solid food is probably a yearly thing for her.  Homegirl doesn't need risotto, she needs a deep fried bacon sammich dipped in maple syrup.  The plan backfires when Liam proves that he is indeed dangerous, in the kitchen at least as he cannot cook to save his life, and Charlie shows up to ruin the moment and drop the bombshell on clueless Annie that the two are half-brothers.  Come to find out that Charlie was a thug as a teen, stole some credit cards that he used to buy jet skis, etc. (yep, totally realistic) and then planted the stolen cards on Liam and let him take the blame.  This apparently happened 10 years ago and Charlie wants to make amends but Liam is all "bitch, please" and not about to have a beer with him (provided he was legally able to, of course).  Annie decides that suddenly Liam is so much more attractive now that Charlie has effed him over and runs after him to tell him so. 

Meanwhile, Hey Dude has decided that holding on to her imaginary virginity is an overrated thing and being the only virgin in the senior class really sucks and Dixon should be the lucky recipient of her v-card.  Dixon acts all goofy and stupid when Hey Dude tries to tell him and I'm thinking that she should really consider the whole plan based on his reaction.  After all, he's slept with Silver (and the whole class got to see the videotaped proof) and crazy Sasha, he really shouldn't be acting like a 14 year old listening to stories at camp.  Hey Dude - - who thank goodness has let go of looking like a cracked out Swiss Miss in ratty overalls while skateboarding through the school, tells Laurel that she wants to do the nasty with Dixon and Laurel, being the cool mom that she is, offers up Hey Dude her choice of condoms - - ribbed, large, small, glow in the dark.  I think if my mom had said those things to me when I was a teen, I would have been scarred for life. 

Meanwhile, over at the charity auction, the guys come out and do their dance dressed as stripping firemen.  And this is for high school?  There is a bidding war over smarmy Oscar, with a ditzy blonde "winning" him.  Liam, sulky and moody, goes to an overeager young miss who is preferable to the always annoying Annie.  Dixon goes to Hey Dude after crazy Sasha shows up to try to throw her money on the table for the wholesome Wilson.  Hey Dude tells Dixon that their date that night will involve more than dinner and a movie (unless we're talking about the kind of movie Silver filmed with an unwitting Dixon) as Laurel is out of town.   Navid - - completely and utterly inexplicably - - doesn't get a single bid on him . . . until Adrianna shows up and slaps $2,000 on the table for her man.  She says it's her night's pay for the birthday bash and she promises never to choose work over friends again.  Until next week, that is.  When is she going back to school anyhow? 

Annie catches up to Liam, with his overeager date, and spills to him that she doesn't want to be with Charlie, she wants to be with him.  Liam blows her off and leaves with Miss Overeager.  Whaaaa?  So Liam has been pining away for Annie, finally gets her interested and he's done?  He has got to be the worst bad boy ever. 

Dixon and Hey Dude leave the charity gig, with Hey Dude headed for home to prepare for her big night.  Dixon is accosted in the high school parking lot by Sasha who informs him that she has tested positive for HIV.  Well, I guess Hey Dude isn't going to have the big night she expected. 

Debbie, meanwhile, is having financial problems.  Which isn't surprising given that she is still living in her Beverly Hills home with no job.  Here's an idea, Deb.  Rather than bouncing checks to West Bev's charity auction, why not sell the house and get an apartment?  Annie and Dixon are seniors - - although in keeping with tradition they will probably go to the infamous CU and stay at home until the writers decide it's tacky to have a parent living there and write Debbie out.  Annie is worried about the family's financial situation (she should be, given that her legal fees must have been ridiculous and Dixon's breaking and entering cost Harry - - remember him? - - his job at principal) and promptly phones her creepy intern boss to tell her that her eggs are indeed for sale for $20,000.  And do you really care?

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