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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Season 3 Premiere

It seems like it has been forever and a day since we've last caught up with our favorite southern Ho'wives but last night, the bitches are back! 

NeNe and husband Gregg are in new (rental) digs, she's sporting a backless dress (Lord help us all), and she and Kim are apparently trying to make amends with a light lunch at Chez Leakes.  And no, you're not the only one with "WTF?" racing through your brain.  I, for one, wouldn't want to be breaking bread or sharing a fruit plate with some crazy moose who tried to strangle me.  During their "make amends" luncheon, NeNe tells Kim that she and Gregg are having problems (old news to tabloid readers - - NeNe and Gregg are supposedly separated).  Kim tells NeNe that she ran into Dwight and Dwight told her that Gregg borrowed $10,000 from him.  NeNe gets all huffy because (1) she didn't know about this little loan and (2) because if Gregg needed money, he could come to the newly family breadwinner, NeNe, who claims to be making money hand over nose fist with her appearances, her book, etc.  Exactly who is paying NeNe to write or make appearances?  Well, besides Bravo.  Gregg tells NeNe that he and Dwight made a "business investment" together for $500 apiece and the deal fell through.  

Also at the lunch, NeNe asks Kim about the Life & Style story in which Kim admits to being in a lesbian relationship with some chickette named Tracy.  Uh-huh.  Kim is expectedly evasive, busting out the not wanting to put labels on anything face and saying that love has no gender although she does admit that she's not in love.  NeNe quickly zeroes in on Big Poppa's rock still on Kim's all-important finger  and asks about the status between our favorite Wigzilla and the very still-married Big Poppa.  Kim claims they have a roller coaster like relationship and they haven't been together in months.  That Kim!  So evasive. 

NeNe also manages to criticize Dwight's bargain basement nosejob which is the essence of irony as Homegirl is the last person on earth to be snarking about shitty nosejobs. She claims that Dwight's ass is about as broke as hers and Gregg's and if he actually had $10,000 lying around, he'd get his nose fixed because "who doesn't like to breathe?" 

So Kim and NeNe are now friends (at least quasi-friends) again (until a ratings sweep week) .  To quote Kim: "If she's not strangling me, we're friends."  A relationship made in heaven, ya'll!

Kim is still in her townhouse in Johns Creek and she is checking her email, downloading porn or whatever when daughter Brielle stomps in from school and promptly puts her shoes on the kitchen counter.  Ewwwww.  It gets worse, people. An unsuspecting and apparently standardless boy is interested in Brielle, as she informs Kim while scarfing up ice cream.  Does she have bands in her mouth or has she alwayth lithped?  Brielle, honey, no boy will ever be interested in you as more than a hobag like your mom unless you learn to close your mouth while eating and do not speak with food in your mouth!!   Kim, hilariously, says in a talking head that she hopes that she can raise her daughters as well as her parents raised her.  Uh, yeah.  She also is freaking out that her 13 year old daughter is already dating.  Kim, honey?  Your daughter is only 13.  She's a minor.  She does not have to be dating, despite what your brain is telling you.  And no, I don't think we needed to know that Kim has been chasing dicks since she came out of the womb.  And she wonders why her daughter is boy crazy? 

Sheree has been busy since last season.  If you remember, she (and Dwight) hosted a fashion show starring her line, She(yite) by Sheree which seemed to receive a mixed reception.  Sheree claims that she has put her fashion line "on hiatus" to focus on her current true love and passion.  No, not Sheree herself, exactly but acting. Miss Sheree claims that she knows she will be onstage accepting an Oscar one day.  (Yeah, when your competition is Paris Hilton and Katie Holmes).   I know, I'm laughing pretty hard myself.  Although I will admit that most of what Sheree does every week involves acting.  Sooooo . . . Sheree is attending some bullshit acting class in her home which NeNe unceremoniously crashes.  Why?  It seems the only reason is to share Kim's lesbian Life & Style story but whatever.  Sheree takes offense that Dwight claims he fronted $30,000 of the She(yite) by Sheree fashion show. 

Kandi is jumping back in the dating pool - - and as much as I love me some Kandi, girlfriend looks like she's got a Sid and Marty Krofft inspired rooster dropping LSD on her head.  What is going on there?  She's apparently starting a relationship or in a relationship with some NFL player.  I have absolutely no idea who the guy is but, according to the internet, he has a handful of babies and baby mamas.  Kandi, girl, we need to have a talk.  So she and Mr. NFL go rock climbing, which is actually pretty cool, although Kandi very nearly falls of the rock because the establishment's employee (female) is too busy giving her time and attention to Mr. NFL.  After their climb, the couple sits down to have a private chat (well, with the exception of the camera crew and all of us viewers) and Kandi discloses that she and a friend agreed to remain celibate until the end of the year.  Mr. NFL asks if that includes oral sex and Kandi says "mmmmm . . .no".  Really?  Didn't need to know this.  Kandi also drops by Kim's house and reminds me why I loved her so much last season.  First, she tells Kim that she doesn't play that with her daughter (i.e., she actually disciplines her daughter and acts like a parent - - crazy bitch!)  And secondly, most perfectly, she tells Kim that her wig is crooked!  And Kim actually straightens that mess out on camera.  Oh show, how I love thee. 

Dwight and his pinchy nostrils introduce us to the newest Ho, Phaedra Parks who actually out Sherees Sheree is terms of delusion.  Phaedra is an attorney who has represented the cream of the crop celebrity-wise (according to her) and claims that much like a bar in Boston, in Atlanta everyone knows her name.  That's not always a good thing.  Trust.  She also completely slams Sheree and her broke ass (Ucci instead of Gucci!) and I am salivating just thinking of the day when the claws come out between Delusional and More Delusional.  Phaedra is about 15 months pregnant by her former hood rat husband who obviously truly loves Phaedra for her because he signed a pre-nup.  Her words, not mine.  And yes, it does reek of Kim Zolciak logic. 

Cut to a shooooooo show.  Hotel room, pairs of shoes.  All the Hos are invited.  NeNe, Kim and Sheree go for a triple threat to gang up on Dwight and his outrageous allegations of loaning money all over town.  Phaedra, who is Dwight's date for this event, promptly bails on him when the moose comes charging.  It's amazing how NeNe goes from snorting bll to batshit crazy in about 2 seconds flat.  She gets all up in Dwight's fake face and good Lord but this woman is an amazon.  She's screeching about how Dwight needs to come correct and shoving a $500 check at him, which he promptly tears up.  Sending NeNe into new fits of rage.  I kept waitintg for Dwight to unleash that tiger he claims he keeps under cover and pull out some serious stunt queen (TM Laurence) moves but he is strangely reticent.  Which is definitely far more mature than NeNe who must be an absolute embarrassment to whoever is hosting this shoe spectacular. 

So what did you think?  Did you watch?  Do you think the Howives are back in top form?  Did you even miss businesswoman/real estate whiz/fashion maven/jewelry designer Lisa? 

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