90210: Naomi is Rich, Rich, Rich, Jen is Still a Bitch, Annie is Still Boring, Liam Squats, Dixon Gets Body Shot, Hey Dude Gets Mad, Oscar is Still a Douche, Cannon is Still a Perv, Teddy is Drunk and Silver is Gullible
Annie proved that she walks with hot beverages about as well as she drives Mulholland when people are lying in the road. She's in some coffee shop in Silverlake (note big sign) and so busy reading a book (I know, I'm shocked too that she can actually read) that she turns and immediately runs into a guy with serious issues of his own and spills her coffee all over his pants and shirt. I say the guy has serious issues because he immediately hits on Annie. Annie?! Annie does this lame comedy-like routine, grabbing napkins and attempting to clean off his pants and I'm cringing, thinking of how in the later seasons of the original Beverly Hills 90210, Donna Martin Does Comedy became an episode requirement. So Ruined Pants Guy hits on Annie, which geeks her all out and she leaves coffee shop with his number. Ho hum. And wait a minute . . . how is Annie getting to a coffee shop in Silverlake or anywhere else? By bus? She killed a guy! Wouldn't her license at least have been yanked? I understand that she "paid her debt to society" and all by being under house arrest alllllll summmmmmmmer (waaaaaaaaaaaah!) but wouldn't a 16 or 17 year old lose their right to drive after plowing someone over? While driving drunk? Maybe I'm just crazy.
Silver still has the choppy haircut and I'm not feeling it yet. I think it's too old for her. She arrives at West Beverly on her moped (funny how there's always an available parking space right out front for the gang) and Teddy is waiting for her on his crutches. Silver is wearing the most atrocious jacket imaginable. Between her haircut and this fashion fuck up, I would say that the wardrobe department hates Jessica Stroup. That jacket is reason enough for Teddy to break up with Silver, but he gives a lame-like excuse for why Naomi was half naked and hanging all over him at the party (instead of just telling Silver the truth because that would be, like, crazy) and she instantly whimpers that she believes him. Okay, so obviously it's a requirement this season that Teddy and Silver have one ridiculous, totally scripted fight each episode. And is the show ever going to explain where Kelly is? I remember that Silver was living in a guest house or something behind Kelly's house but is she now an emancipated minor? Who's responsible for her? And is Kelly no longer West Beverly's guidance counselor? Aaargh, the mystery of it all.
So Teddy continues to look like the parent of a West Beverly student and is still hobbling around on crutches. Funny how he was introduced as a longtime friend of Adrianna's and they never hang out. Ever. Teddy goes out with "the guys" (i.e., douchey Oscar, Dixon and Navid) to some bar in (again) Silverlake and at first declines Oscar's offer of beer . . . until he finds out that he's the top ranked male tennis player in California which won't matter at all since he can no longer play. I suppose Oscar has taken the place of Liam in "the guys" group. So Oscar pays the doorman or some other such storyline bullshit that gets this group of underage clowns into a lounge (well, except for Teddy, he does look over 30) and I suppose he pays off the bartender as well since he's ordering drinks. And I have to figure that Oscar is underage because what 21+ year old would be running around after Hey Dude? And remember, Hey Dude is a minor. So this group of girls having a bachelorette party shows up and immediately hits on "the guys" (of course - - if my eyes were rolling any further back in my head, I could have a bird's eye view of my own ass without benefit of a mirror), resulting in the bride-to-be doing a body shot off Dixon, which one of the other bachelorettes memorializes via video on her cellphone. See where this is going? 90210 isn't much for subtlety.
So the little video pops up on Facebook and apparently a ton of other social networking sites, where Hey Dude sees it and freaks out (at Naomi's birthday party - - more about that below). What is going on with the personality transplants on this show? First Silver, who has turned into a middle aged self-righteous Kelly Taylor and now Hey Dude, who is slowly morphing into a Brenda Walsh or something. Dixon can only look sad and hurt without figuring it out that Douchey Oscar is behind the entire thing. Duh! In case we are as blind as Dixon, we are then treated to Oscar paying off the group of bachelorettes, who are really nothing but out of work actresses (and this gig certainly won't help them). Really, Oscar? All this for Hey Dude? The high school age daughter of the woman you are currently banging?
Meanwhile, Liam is emo-ing away for Annie and decides that her protests about being Naomi's friend, blah, blah, blah, are in the way of his future happiness and confronts Naomi about dating other people. Naomi claims to not give a rat's ass who Liam dates, including Annie, which leads to a truly disgusting scene of Liam and Annie kissing and being all repulsive onboard a boat. Didn't Liam's boat burn last season after being torched by Jasper? Yes, apparently so because the boat's owner shows up unexpectedly, requiring Liam and Annie to flee and do a lame ass hiding job behind some wood or something, while the even lamer assed marina police walk right by them. Liam admits to Annie - - who killed a man - - that he was squatting on someone else's boat because he has nowhere else to live. Annie, quite naturally, gets all self-righteous and pissy about Liam doing that and then putting her probation in jeopardy because she's spent all summer being cooped up in her Beverly Hills abode. Poor Annie. Let's put things in perspective, shall we? Breaking into someone's boat to sleep there and killing a person . . .hmmmm . . . So Annie gets on her Huffy bike and rides all over Liam's feelings by telling him that they won't work and then she promptly calls up Ruined Pants Guy and makes a date with him.
So Naomi is turning 18 and that means she has full acess to her trust fund. Nevermind that she bribed her dad into giving her control a season or two ago, or that Jen was the administrator and blew through all of it (we thought). New season, new reality, people. So Naomi is wealthy, wealthy, wealthy as she told, oh, everyone. Her first big purchase (well, second after a new car) is to finance a birthday party for herself, complete with Adrian Grenier (from Entourage) playing drums with his rock group. She also buys Tiffany necklaces as a thank you to Annie (for remaining her friend) and a peace offering for Silver (after hitting on Teddy). The big birthday bash turns sour, however, after Silver finds out that Naomi wasn't drugged at the party (Naomi's excuse for hitting on Teddy) and ends with Naomi telling off Silver, Adrianna and Annie (the best part of the episode). I could listen all day to Naomi telling Ms. Self Righteous Annie "You killed a man!" Yeah! Suck that, Annie! Once Naomi hears that Silver has run off to work in the editing room with Cannon the Rapist, she rushes off to the school (which is apparently kept open at all hours, unlike every other school I've ever heard of and unlike back in the original Beverly Hills 90210 days when Steve had to steal a key to break into the school) to warn Silver. Silver, quite naturally, isn't buying what Naomi is trying to sell and assumes that Naomi is busting out yet another lie. Naomi blurts out that Cannon raped her last summer and Silver blows Naomi off, returning to the stalkery weirdo who steals her fashion accessories and watches her on film. Repeatedly.
Liam met up in a random parking garage to tell Ruined Pants Guy to leave him alone, with Ruined Pants Guy crying about them being brothers. Excuse me? What? So I guess Ruined Pants Guy and Liam are going to fight over the living, breathing Beeker from The Muppet Show (also known as Annie). Why? Why, show, why? Do both brothers have some rare genetic condition that makes them susceptible to pipe cleaner thin chicks who squint, sqwauk and commit vehicular homicide?
Oh yeah, bitchy Jen is back and her baby to be is apparently going to be as difficult as its mother. She is put on bed rest and newly shaven Ryan (Mr.) Matthews is going to move in with her to help out. Obviously he is a glutton for punishment at best and has a death wish at worst. This kid is going to have the worst parents ever. And the actress playing Jen hasn't gotten any better. Squinting and smirking do not count as acting. Unless you're Annie, of course.
In between banging Oscar secretly, Laurel finally got around to listening to Adrianna's pilfered song and loooooves it. She wants Adrianna to sing it at Javier's funeral. Perfect! Serenade the dead guy you still the lyrics from! Love it!
Why do I watch this? It's horrible. Beverly Hills 90210 was horrendously cheesy in its day but in a fun way. This is torture. And yet, the show keeps me its bitch. Go figure.
Did anyone else watch this episode? What did you think?