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90210: Senior Year, Baby!

90210 returned to the air this past Monday (although I had to wait for the show to be available online) and apparently the writers believe that their viewing audience (which sadly includes yours truly) all suffered head injuries and memories losses over the summer because if reality wasn't always present last season, it has completely and totally left the building this year.

First and foremost, Annie - - who, if you recall, mowed down a homeless guy who had the unfortunate luck to be inexplicably lying in the road, after drinking herself more stupid than usual after a party at the end of sophomore year, baby! - - apparently had that entire, inconvenient issue resolved.  Poor widdle Annie had to spend her entire summer under house arrest and is on probation until she's twenty-five.  How on earth does she deal with life's cruelty and unfairness?  And Ryan ("Mr.") Matthews has the audacity to tell her that she's paid her dues to society?  Really?  And then he nominates her for some internship to do with drama which she of course gets because she's Annie Wilson, people.  Real world, it's time you met 90210.

And Dixon . . . who started out such a promising character during the first season and was an incredibly whiny bitch by last May, skipped the trip to Australia with Ivy (otherwise known as "Hey Dude") and spent his summer counting down the minutes until her lumberjack on the lam self returned.  Speaking of Hey Dude, we get a repeat of the Adriana-Navid-Teddy triangle when Teddy was first brought on, only this season it's Hey Dude-Dixon-Oscar.  And Oscar is ten times as douchey as Teddy ever hoped to be.

Moving on to the Harry and Debbie situation.  Their marriage fell apart in about ten minutes so it's no shocker that Harry has moved out and moved away and no longer the principal at West Beverly after the summer hiatus.  More questionable is how Debbie and her two idiotic kids are still living in that charming (i.e., costly) Beverly Hills Cape Cod.  We were told Debbie was some type of photographer during the first season but really haven't seen her do anything since then, other than mack on her yoga instructor and embarrassingly accompany her two senior grade teens to their first day of school. 

Naomi's storyline was the only remotely bordering-on-realistic one but coming from the 90210 world, that doesn't say much.  She spent the summer in the Riviera (the rundown Riviera Motel, that is), attempting to deal with being raped by sleazy Mr. Cannon at the end of last year.  We were also helpfully informed that Naomi will be getting her trust fund in a few weeks, so we will no longer have to wonder how or why Naomi lives the way she does with not a single parental unit in sight.  Naomi finally got the nerve to go to the cops but being told that her case has a snowball's chance in hell of winning and she will be totally obliterated by any decent defense attorney on the stand has Naomi convinced that Mr. Cannon will get away with it and her best line of action is to get completely tanked at the house party, strip in front of a few teens and put the moves on Teddy, just as Silver oh-so-conveniently walks in.  Yep, sounds like a plan. 

Adriana and her amazing, overnight sensation singing voice returned to L.A. with a peeved Javier in tow.  Now we know that Javier is a pissy little shit when he doesn't get what he wants and what he wants is Adriana.  And she's not having any of that - - not because of Rumer Willis and her one episode attempt at homosexuality but because Adriana is so in wuv with Navid.  Javier is such a spoiled little diva that he's canned Adriana from the rest of his tour and replaced her with "Dominique", who is tanner, taller and skinnier (what does she weight?  100 pounds?).  So Adriana pouts, Javier smirks and then Javier checks out of this life after their limo is hit by a soccer mom in a minivan who was probably chatting on her cellphone, yellling at her kids and running late for her therapy session.  Never one to let grass grow under her feet, Adriana quickly scoops up Javier's little not-black book with songs in it that were going to be given to the tall, tan and skinny Dominique while his body is still being zipped into the ubiquitous yellow body bag. 

Navid apparently did nothing over the summer other than practice shouting "Senior year, baby!" about a million times (which he did in the first five minutes of the show).

Liam apparently did little over the summer but attempt to call Annie (who did not return his calls) and come clean to John Schneider (dear old stepdad) about his theft of the coins.  Honesty, however, did not pay off for him like it did for Annie.  Annie gets patted on the back by everyone by being honest about running down Jasper's uncle but Liam gets kicked out of the house for his troubles.  And since Jasper burned down his boat at the end of last season, I suppose we can assume he's living in that kick ass GTO. 

And what about Jasper?  Absolutely nothing about him - - no mention of whether he pressed charges against Liam or whether Jasper paid his debt to society for arson by being under house arrest.

Teddy and Silver are still together but in following history, they had another fight.  Teddy hurt his knee, Teddy blew out his knee playing tennis after being told not to by his doctor and Silver and her choppy haircut just don't get it because Silver's never been great at anything.  Especially not picking boys.  Teddy is upset that he will probably never play tennis again and it looks as though he will be a raging alcoholic by next week and preaching the twelve steps by the week after that.  He is drinking the hard stuff at the house party and Silver jumps on her Huffy bike and stomps her little self away, returning just in time to catch Teddy in a compromising (looking) situation with Naomi.  Predictable, 90210

Oh yeah.  And an earthquake happened.

The best thing about this episode?  Jen was absent and only mentioned once.  And Kim and Khloe Kardashian had cameos, bringing Naomi dresses from their clothing store - - which Naomi couldn't pay for.  When the Kardashian sisters wouldn't let Naomi take her dress of choice on layaway, Naomi called Kim a bitch and then corrected it to a whore.  Good times.

What about you?  Did you watch 90210?  Will you admit it?  And what did you think? 

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